I Will Rise

I recently gave my testimony for the first time to my bible study girls. Though it was a huge relief to get it out of the way, I have a feeling it won’t be the last time I speak it aloud to a group and I’m slowly becoming okay with that. I have realized that I was given this life and these circumstances and it’s all to glorify God. One way or another. This is my story.

I was born in Kansas City to a single teenage mother. Though every birth is a miracle, I like to think I was an even bigger miracle, considering the numerous abortions my mother had prior to my conception at 17. My father wanted nothing to do with me - he was a married man and already had his own family. Six years later, she married and got pregnant with my brother, Adam. He left us before Adam was ever even born.

My mother uprooted us to Massachusetts when I was 7 years old. We moved from one motel room to the next until she met a guy and we moved in with him. We’ll call him S. Drugs and alcohol were an everyday occurrence and I believe this is where my mother started her downward spiral. We moved back to Missouri when I was 11 but things just got worse. S was verbally abusive and acted inappropriately in many ways. I slept with a baseball bat under my bed in fear and many times, asked Adam to sleep in the bed with me. I cried myself to sleep so many nights, wishing that someone, anyone would rescue me.

When I was 13, my mom came home and gave me her cashed paycheck to ‘pay the bills.’ I didn’t mind doing this – at least I knew the phone wouldn’t get cut off if I paid it and, at that age, that’s all I cared about. That night she went out with a girlfriend and got arrested for a DUI. Her friend woke me up in the middle of the night, told me to get the money and go bail her out. I called a cab and showed up with bail money. She wouldn’t even look at me. So much for the bills…..

Adam and I went back and forth, living with our grandma in between her jail sentences for DUI, possession, etc. The last time we lived with my mom, it ended very badly. I was 15 and waiting tables at a local diner for tips. I wasn’t spending my tips on pizza or new earrings, I was using it to buy Adam clothes and school supplies. After all, we were starting a new school and we knew she had no money to purchase the necessary items. One night, I awoke to find her rummaging under my bed, looking for my money. We had a blow up but she left my money alone. A couple of nights later, I was at work and called home to check in. Adam told me he had been there by himself all day…..he was NINE YEARS OLD. She never came home from wherever it was she spent her time {because it wasn’t a job}. I don’t know what made me do it but I found the number to her probation officer and I called and told the PO that I knew she had cocaine in the house and where to find it. Within an hour, she was arrested and taken to jail. Again. For whatever reason, there was no social worker intervention and so I made the decision to take Adam and live with my older boyfriend. In hindsight, it was a bad idea. A horrible one. But at the time, I’m not sure I had many options. I refused to be separated from Adam and my grandma was in no position to care for both of us. It just seemed like the right thing to do.

Adam and I lived with the boyfriend and his family for 2 + years. I have nothing but appreciation and gratitude for this family. Their house was extremely small but they allowed us to stay there. We all struggled but because of their generosity, Adam and I were able to stay together. It just pains me, though, that I was that young and sharing a bed with my boyfriend. It just wasn’t right. I felt so ashamed of myself but I was not sure how to break free. At that age, I should have been going on dates to the drive-in, not shacking up and providing a life for a 10 year old.

My senior year, I decided it was time to move out. It was not an amicable split, it ended very badly but it was the right thing to do. We moved in temporarily with friends until I graduated in May. Somehow, after 14 schools in 13 years, I was done. Right about the same time, my mom moved from stints in county jail to years in state prison.

After high school, Adam and I got our own apartment and I chose community college and two jobs. As much as I wanted to go to university and begin my degree, I couldn’t afford to work a part-time job and still provide for us. We did receive assistance from the state and some help from an uncle in Maryland but it still wasn’t enough. We kept in touch with my mom while in prison, even visited a few times. This is right about the time I met D1. Monumental moment in my life for sure!

After about two years, my mom had secured a work release job and was scheduled to be discharged. She wanted Adam to come live with her and start over again with him, and that would allow me to go to school full-time. Needless to say, it didn’t work out. She was back to her old ways quickly and Adam returned back. He remained living with friends of ours while he finished out high school and I finished college.

In June 2003, D1 and I were married. It was an amazing day! Though I had very little family present, I was marrying my best friend, the man that was meant for me. More than anything, what stuck out from that day was our ride in the limousine to the hotel after the reception. Out of the blue, D1 says to me, ‘I think we should pray.’ I was dumbfounded. After all, neither of us were raised in the church. At that moment, our lives were forever changing, we just had no idea how significantly.

A month or so later, we began attending a local church with some friends of ours. There we listened to an incredible pastor tell us that no matter what we’ve done in our lives, we were forgiven. That Jesus paid the price for our sins so that we didn’t have to spend eternity in hell. To someone with my past, that was colossal. In May 2004, D1 and I both accepted Christ as our Savior and were baptized together, just three days before d1 was born. It felt amazing to relinquish control and surrender.

Also in May 2004, I graduated with a BS in Accounting and Adam graduated from high school. We both made it! Praise the Lord!

Today I have three healthy boys, an incredible husband, a handsome 25-year-old brother, a job that I love, a house that I cherish and am surrounded by family and friends that love me. The life I have now is the life I only dreamed of just 15 years ago. I am blessed beyond words. I have a joyful heart, abundant faith and excited for eternity.

There are many reasons one might share a testimony but for me, I need you to know my past so that you can know who I am in the present. I’ll be honest. In my darkest days, I wondered if there was a God. Because, if there was a God, how could He have let this happen? Was I really that bad of a person to deserve this much pain? I know now that, though bad things do happen to good people, God is in the midst of it all. He’s ever present and never failing. He has given me this time on earth to make a difference in the lives of others, to show them the hope that we have in Jesus and what He’s brought me through and that’s just what I intend to do.