I Want What I Want When I Want It

According to my dear, sweet spouse, yesterday’s post was about ‘nothing’ so I guess that’s my cue to step up my game and write about ‘something.’ Good news – I didn’t have to think too hard.

OK, so back it up. As I was preparing for my weekly bible study lesson, I was overcome with serious conviction as we study anxiety, fear and, most of all, discontentment. It’s so relevant in my daily life and I have a hunch that I’m not alone. There's a funny thing about conviction. It's not always an easy pill to swallow but it’s actually pretty comforting. You see, if I were not feeling convicted by my sinful actions, committed on a DAILY basis, I might start to wonder about my salvation because if the Spirit resides in you, you will feel it when you gossip, worry and doubt. Yes, we are human but these are still sins. I’m learning all about them in my bible study with some of the greatest group of girlies. Oh, and with a little help from Jerry Bridges' book titled, 'Respectable Sins.' Trust me, it’s not like I open a chapter and think, ‘Oh, YES! I can totally relate.’ It’s more like, ‘Oh, NO! I am so guilty of this, that and the other.’ What’s important is that we’re learning from each other and working on ways to make changes in our actions and behaviors that will set good examples for our children but, more importantly, to glorify Jesus. I want nothing more than to be a shining light but I’ve definitely got some work to do.

Although I’ve been able to identify with every ‘respectable sin’ thus far, this week’s topic of discontentment is very near and un-dear to my heart. It’s really sad at how I struggle to be content. I really have to pray about it and some days I feel like throwing the towel in and waving the white flag. Although I could probably name several, there are two areas in particular that I wrestle the most – my identity and my family.

I think I beat the topic of self esteem/worth/confidence to death so allow me to share the family issues. Within that family category, I have two sub-categories {us Type-A’s need lists and outlines} – I long for {normal} parents and I long for a baby girl. With all that I have been abundantly blessed with, I’m ashamed to even admit these yearnings but I’m guessing I’m not alone and to share them helps me to face them.

Though my testimony gave lots of background on my parents, I didn’t discuss the present situation. It’s not great. It’s not as bad as it used to be but it’s still strained and distant, at best. I haven’t seen my mother in almost 10 years. We speak on the phone maybe four times a year. She’s never met our boys and I’m not sure she ever will. Sure, I would like to have a relationship with her for myself but, more than that, I want it for my children. I see other kids with their grandparents, the loving relationships they have and the cherished memories they are creating and I hurt for what my boys will likely never experience with my mother. Now, I have forgiven my mother, several years ago actually. That's not a problem anymore. I don’t harbor anger towards her at all. I just hurt. I just want to be content with what I have.

Maybe that’s a big reason why I long for a little girl. A good friend once told me that I needed a little girl to realize that not all mother/daughter relationships are like my childhood was and I think she’s right. I just wish the feeling would go away. Now, I had three extremely easy pregnancies that yielded three healthy, incredibly vibrant little boys and I do not ever take any of that for granted. But for whatever reason, I can’t stop thinking about the little girl that I never had. It’s not impossible for us to have more children but last time I checked, God still controls gender selection and His will doesn’t seem to be in alignment with mine. I know there’s a reason for that. I know there is. I’m sure He knows that D1 might beat a girl for trying to escape with the word ‘Juicy’ on the booty of her short-shorts. Maybe He’s thinking of how awful that poor child’s hair would look when I attempt to braid it....or even insert a barrette, for that matter. Maybe He's sparing us both. I know full well that all babies are a blessing, that I’ve got enough disorder in my house for the next 18 years and I don’t know that there’s a burning desire to further that timeline. I just want to be content with what I have.

From this chapter, though, I've learned that contentment comes from 'accept(ing) your circumstances from God,’ trusting that He knows what is best for you. He also goes on to share a quote:

Lord, I am willing to –
Receive what you give
Lack what you withhold
Relinquish what you take

Short and sweet yet heavy and deep. And absolutely perfect. Here’s to receiving, lacking and relinquishing together…..